-"OMG!. This cant be happening!"- I thought. As I was waiting for my mother in the parking lot, I saw him pass by driving an old white car. I hide for like 10 seconds, and then he was gone, and I had no idea why I was acting that way. I was shocked(cuz, first of all, the loser learned how to drive)-but not only that, I was shocked with my own reaction. I mean,my heart was beating so fast and I dont know why I was beating so fast and I dont know why I start crying like an idiot.(Thank God for the sunglasses, cuz right that second, my mom got into the car)-so I wipe off my tears,but I was battling with my tears inside of me.All that I wanted was to get home and stay in my room for at least a week!-but, no, my mom wanted to go shopping, and I thought, "Why not?". I need to get my mind busy, and the only thing that can heal my lil' broken heart its my dad's credit card".
So, I started looking through every single store buying stuff that I dont even need, and then I received a sign, that it could only be described as a sign sent from above of how messed up I was-as I was walking through the store, alongside this amazing pair of jeans I was about to buy, I was holding....A Britto purse!-"ok?.Theres something wrong with me!.Ewwww!. Those things are an insult to fashion!!."........
...........So, as I dropped that horrendous 'thing' in the first empty shelf I could find(leaving those gorgeousjeans behind also)*tear*. I ran back to the car because I was in desperate need for a 'wake-up call'(or a slap in the face for carrying that Britto purse through the entire store!-EMBARRASSING 1/2!" -so, I called my BFF, just to hear those heartbreaking, butt-kicking words:"You're just not over him yet, he will always be THAT FIRST LOVE"-I hung up inmediately just to call her back(still dont know why but I did.), and I told her: "You are wrong. HE IS THAT ONE TRUE LOVE!", and hung up.
I have no idea how I got the courage to say(or admit) something that, up until this day, was just in my heart. But I did. I was in denial all of this time! I start getting really anxious trying to forget what happened, ditching all of those thoughts related to him. Then I receive a text message from my BFF, hoping to read some of her "words of wisdom'(yes, she has 'her moments' at times), but all that I received was "Please tell me you didnt bought that hideous Britto bag or I will punch you!. xoxoxo"-It was like my whole 'fantasy world' that I had built over this years was crashing down!.
And I couldnt say anything to my 'conscience'(a.k.a.:My Mom) cuz she thinks that he is the biggest turd in the universe, so that wasnt what I needed to hear(....or was it?....)
So, I decided to stay quiet through all the way home just listening to my mom talking about-God knows what-*vomit*.........
As soon as I got home, I grabbed a pen and paper and I was determined to write a "F*ck you letter" to my past, but I was shocked when I read it:"This is not a 'F*ck you letter'; its an 'I love you letter'!"-FML!!!.
After that, I did what I thought was tha best, I burned it. But dont think that I was happy about it. I was crying hysterically, covering my mouth with a towel, trying not to scream. And I threw away the ashes.........
..............I've been trying to get some sleep for the last couple of days, but it has been impossible. It was an awful day-Thanks to him-I felt sooo much anxiety cuz I couldnt explain to myself how is it possible to still have feelings for him when he made my life a living hell. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist the next day. So, I told her everythimg that happened and she just told me: -"Nothing happens as a coincidence".-"OK?. WTF?!-What does that even mean?."
I've been trying to figure that out since yesterday(...yes, all of the above happened in just 2 days!....).
"What she meant when she said that 'everything happens for a reason'?". Quite frankly, I have no idea. So, for my own sanity, I would take some time to 'digest' all of this stuff.........I'll finish this topic later I promise....."later! :'(
~ alex.
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