I close my eyes and see your face, here you are once again. Here, in the only place where we can meet, where no one can find us, no one can disturb our peace. Here you are just in time, like every night; once the sun goes down, I can feel your presence and hear your voice, whispering my name-"I am here my love, as I promised"-and we walk holding hands.
You are the answer to my prayers, My guardian angel. After all these years dreaming of you, you are finally here.....here to stay forever; Exactly how I've dreamed of.
So, theres no need to rush, no reason to be worried, because you are my angel sent from above. And even though we can only meet at night, in this secret place, I know it would only be a matter of time until we can be together forever. Cuz one day, you will show up-in front of everybody...thats going to be my confirmation that I have found my soulmate, the man of my DREAMS; and we will be happily ever after, anywhere else than here.....in MY DREAMS...........
~ alex.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Heart 's a Chatterbox."
These thoughts are torturing me!. Dont even know why they keep coming to my head, every night. Just here with my thoughts. It is a living nightmare. I just want to love again. But I cant. You dont let me. You keep my head and my mind busy every day and night with your 'ghost'. My heart still loves you, my mind still thinks about you.
After all you have done, and after all I have done to forget you. Nobody has been able to fill your shoes, nobody; is always some kind of 'imperfection', when nobody is perfect; I was under the impression that you were, I guess I still think the same way because I havent been able to find someone like you.
I pray every single night for someone to come and wake me up from this anymore, thinking about a ghost, thats what you are in my life: A Ghost. The ghost of my past....that doesnt want to go away, even when YOU have a life already. I cant. And, Im the only one to blame for being so weak, that weakness that doesnt allow me to carry on with my life. My heart keeps shouting your name, its frustrating, I just cant keep on like this.
-"Can somebody wake me up from this eternal nightmare?".- I beg-for someone to take me away from here........My mind knows that there IS someone there, my heart doesnt!........
~ alex.
After all you have done, and after all I have done to forget you. Nobody has been able to fill your shoes, nobody; is always some kind of 'imperfection', when nobody is perfect; I was under the impression that you were, I guess I still think the same way because I havent been able to find someone like you.
I pray every single night for someone to come and wake me up from this anymore, thinking about a ghost, thats what you are in my life: A Ghost. The ghost of my past....that doesnt want to go away, even when YOU have a life already. I cant. And, Im the only one to blame for being so weak, that weakness that doesnt allow me to carry on with my life. My heart keeps shouting your name, its frustrating, I just cant keep on like this.
-"Can somebody wake me up from this eternal nightmare?".- I beg-for someone to take me away from here........My mind knows that there IS someone there, my heart doesnt!........
~ alex.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."EMOTIONS".
Some people think that the term "Emotions" has something to do with "Feelings"-well, it does not!. Emotions are just the reaction to that specific 'feeling'. Its that lil' voice inside your head asking: "How does this FEELING make me FEEL?".-I know, the dumbest question EVER!. But, if you think about it, it makes sense!.
Because the answer to that "DUMB" question-thats the meaning of "Emotions"!.
Ok, now lets go a lil' further.........How should we react to these 'Emotions'?...Well, my friend, that depends. Cuz if you are in love with someone(which its a feeling,not an emotion!), well, you feel the urge to be with that person 27/7-Literally attached ti him(her)!.........Now, if you react to that emotion(without thinking about it)-that could lead to: get arrested, being known as a 'pervert'(or a sl*t) for the rest of your life,a restriction order.........or all of the above!.
But, on the other hand, if you dont react AT ALL you are going to be remembered as loser, a low-life, a coward, being falsely accused of being 'gay'(or lesbian)..........or all the above!.
I know, its a complete mind-f*ck!. But its not that complicated-"Drop that knife, Emo!.I swear it its not!-ok.......now my advice: It is all about a key word: BALANCE...Because, like I mentioned on 'words of(...)about "feelings"...every emotion-taken to the extremes=CHAOS!..........You just have to find a 'happy medium'.....ok,how?......lets say you obviously cant be with that person 24/7,but you still want to let him(her) now how you feel. Use your imagination: whether its a letter,a song, a poem-or a Facebook post(which its kinda cheap-and overrated but WTV....); the thing is letting that person know that he(she) means a lot to you.("no,he/she doesnt mean EVERYTHING to you, dont say that!. You're obviously lying cuz you love your mom,right?...or your cat?...so, dont take it to the EXTREME,ok?"). And, once you do that, you would be proud of yourself for keeping your emotions under control.
And, before you ask,the same advice goes to the opposite feeling "HATE"-just dont even let it evoque an emotion on you-why?...Cuz its not worth it. That idiot who made your life a living hell is happy doing whatever with whoever,so, let it be...and "MOVE ON!"....I know its not easy AT ALL(trust me I know!) but its not impossible either. Show that S-O-B who's the bigger person and be happy......God bless................
~ alex.
Because the answer to that "DUMB" question-thats the meaning of "Emotions"!.
Ok, now lets go a lil' further.........How should we react to these 'Emotions'?...Well, my friend, that depends. Cuz if you are in love with someone(which its a feeling,not an emotion!), well, you feel the urge to be with that person 27/7-Literally attached ti him(her)!.........Now, if you react to that emotion(without thinking about it)-that could lead to: get arrested, being known as a 'pervert'(or a sl*t) for the rest of your life,a restriction order.........or all of the above!.
But, on the other hand, if you dont react AT ALL you are going to be remembered as loser, a low-life, a coward, being falsely accused of being 'gay'(or lesbian)..........or all the above!.
I know, its a complete mind-f*ck!. But its not that complicated-"Drop that knife, Emo!.I swear it its not!-ok.......now my advice: It is all about a key word: BALANCE...Because, like I mentioned on 'words of(...)about "feelings"...every emotion-taken to the extremes=CHAOS!..........You just have to find a 'happy medium'.....ok,how?......lets say you obviously cant be with that person 24/7,but you still want to let him(her) now how you feel. Use your imagination: whether its a letter,a song, a poem-or a Facebook post(which its kinda cheap-and overrated but WTV....); the thing is letting that person know that he(she) means a lot to you.("no,he/she doesnt mean EVERYTHING to you, dont say that!. You're obviously lying cuz you love your mom,right?...or your cat?...so, dont take it to the EXTREME,ok?"). And, once you do that, you would be proud of yourself for keeping your emotions under control.
And, before you ask,the same advice goes to the opposite feeling "HATE"-just dont even let it evoque an emotion on you-why?...Cuz its not worth it. That idiot who made your life a living hell is happy doing whatever with whoever,so, let it be...and "MOVE ON!"....I know its not easy AT ALL(trust me I know!) but its not impossible either. Show that S-O-B who's the bigger person and be happy......God bless................
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS".
"Dont try this at home!"-that just really says it all.IT DOESNT WORK! It all starts as a "friendly" thing, you konw him(her) forever and you know "perfectly well" that he(she) will never get attached to you..............how do you know?!.
The thing is, it doesnt matter how long this 'relationship' lasts, one of you will end up getting hurt. Why?. Cuz we have 2 lil' backstabbers inside of us: 'feelings' and 'emotions'; and, if that "FWB" is really sweet(even loving) with you....it is almost impossible for you not to fall in love (specially us girls)...So, personally, I do not recommend this kind of 'friendly relationship' to anyone;But if you insist, then f*ck off!........Because, thats a 'recipe for disaster'!.
Not only you can loose that 'BFF', your 'partner in crime'-but also, you are taking a HUGE risk of getting your heart broken(or his/hers)-just for the heat of the moment,and I dont think its worth it. But then again, thats my personal opinion. Im just warning you some of the consequences of having a 'FWB' relationship......
...........Just BE CAREFUL,and most important, do not play with your FWB's feelings-Never!!!!!-Because you dont know if a simple hug or kiss........even just a word could be missunderstood by him(her),leading up to a broken heart.
My advice: Just dont mix friendship with...those kind of benefits!. Period!. Friendship is something thats soooooo 'underrated' these days cuz in reality finding a true friend its so difficult, that its not worth to put it at risk. But, if you still think its worth the risk, then maybe you dont deserve a friend like yours!......*sigh*..........."What a 'S-O-B'"..........
\
~ alex.
The thing is, it doesnt matter how long this 'relationship' lasts, one of you will end up getting hurt. Why?. Cuz we have 2 lil' backstabbers inside of us: 'feelings' and 'emotions'; and, if that "FWB" is really sweet(even loving) with you....it is almost impossible for you not to fall in love (specially us girls)...So, personally, I do not recommend this kind of 'friendly relationship' to anyone;But if you insist, then f*ck off!........Because, thats a 'recipe for disaster'!.
Not only you can loose that 'BFF', your 'partner in crime'-but also, you are taking a HUGE risk of getting your heart broken(or his/hers)-just for the heat of the moment,and I dont think its worth it. But then again, thats my personal opinion. Im just warning you some of the consequences of having a 'FWB' relationship......
...........Just BE CAREFUL,and most important, do not play with your FWB's feelings-Never!!!!!-Because you dont know if a simple hug or kiss........even just a word could be missunderstood by him(her),leading up to a broken heart.
My advice: Just dont mix friendship with...those kind of benefits!. Period!. Friendship is something thats soooooo 'underrated' these days cuz in reality finding a true friend its so difficult, that its not worth to put it at risk. But, if you still think its worth the risk, then maybe you dont deserve a friend like yours!......*sigh*..........."What a 'S-O-B'"..........
\
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."IM SORRY"
..........Those words seem to fixany damage,right?...well...NOT!!!!!!! Because people seem to forget-or they have no idea-what 'im sorry' means. It means,"Hey, I know I f*cked up, but I would NEVER make you go through that sh*it again"........Unfortunately, they say those exact words...but they f*ck everything up AGAIN!(.."hello!, you said NEVER AGAIN,remember?").
Sometimes, we hurt the ones we love the most and say "Im sorry", only to make the same mistake again later on(I've been in that place) because were not perfect-therefore, we make mistakes, but, we cant take advantage of that to play with someone else's feelings. That just makes you look like an a*hole!.
But, if you did some terrible damage in someone's heart,my advice: Say the most sincere "Im sorry"-EVER!-and wait, do not expect forgiveness right that second!(Check out my 'words of(...) about "Forgive and forget" for more blablabla on this topic).
However, even when you say "Im sorry" and your behaviour improves, and still that person doesnt want to forgive you........then, you know what?.......MOVE ON!!!! Cuz sometimes we get attached to someone and thats just unhealthy-not only for you-but for those who care about you-cuz they just want to see you happy.
So, if its time to 'fix' something(s) in your life.........start by saying "Im sorry" to YOURSELF!.......Yeah, cuz if you dont forgive yourself for-WTV- you have done, do not expect someone else's forgiveness..............
~ alex.
Sometimes, we hurt the ones we love the most and say "Im sorry", only to make the same mistake again later on(I've been in that place) because were not perfect-therefore, we make mistakes, but, we cant take advantage of that to play with someone else's feelings. That just makes you look like an a*hole!.
But, if you did some terrible damage in someone's heart,my advice: Say the most sincere "Im sorry"-EVER!-and wait, do not expect forgiveness right that second!(Check out my 'words of(...) about "Forgive and forget" for more blablabla on this topic).
However, even when you say "Im sorry" and your behaviour improves, and still that person doesnt want to forgive you........then, you know what?.......MOVE ON!!!! Cuz sometimes we get attached to someone and thats just unhealthy-not only for you-but for those who care about you-cuz they just want to see you happy.
So, if its time to 'fix' something(s) in your life.........start by saying "Im sorry" to YOURSELF!.......Yeah, cuz if you dont forgive yourself for-WTV- you have done, do not expect someone else's forgiveness..............
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."FORGIVE AND FORGET"
............is that even possible?.....well, I think they are both possible, but not at the same time. Why?....Because both of them are part of an entire Healing Process. You have to forgive in order to forget.......and that my friend, it takes time.
So, whether you were the one who screwed everything up or the 'innocent victim'-it doesnt matter-you will have to wait!. Now, lets analyze both viewpoints......
If you were the a*hole that thinks that a simple "Im sorry" will fix everything-just ask yourself: "How will you react if you were the one who got hurt?", "Will you forgive and forget that easily?"-no,right?-So, my advice to you, say your most sincere apology and let time heal all of those wounds that your actions caused.
Now, if you were the one who got hurt....well, the same advice goes to you-yes, cuz its really easy to judge but, sometimes, we end up hurting the people we love the most-so,think about it-then, give yourself time(all the time you need,no rush; if that a*hole really loves you,he'll wait).
So, lets say you have a HUGE heart and in fact,forgive the douchebag;now, did you really forgot what he did?. The fact that you forgive doesnt necessarily mean that you forget; cuz forgiving someone means that you can still remember that-'WTV' happened-and dont feel that anger anymore,you can still have those memories and, even though they are hurtful,they dont 'haunt' you anymore-You're free!.
I would describe it as a 'cathartic process'; cuz, not only you're making that jerk who hurt you feel a lot better, you're healing your emotional wounds as well........its a 'win-win situation'!
So, in my opinion, that whole 'forgetting' part,its completely unnecessary; because if you forget EVERYTHING that happened,then chances are, it will happeb again in the future(yes...cuz you let your guard down...)
So, my advice:FORGIVE,DO NOT FORGET.....BUT DONT LET THOSE MEMORIES F*CK WITH YOUR MIND!................as simple as that!..........
~ alex.
So, whether you were the one who screwed everything up or the 'innocent victim'-it doesnt matter-you will have to wait!. Now, lets analyze both viewpoints......
If you were the a*hole that thinks that a simple "Im sorry" will fix everything-just ask yourself: "How will you react if you were the one who got hurt?", "Will you forgive and forget that easily?"-no,right?-So, my advice to you, say your most sincere apology and let time heal all of those wounds that your actions caused.
Now, if you were the one who got hurt....well, the same advice goes to you-yes, cuz its really easy to judge but, sometimes, we end up hurting the people we love the most-so,think about it-then, give yourself time(all the time you need,no rush; if that a*hole really loves you,he'll wait).
So, lets say you have a HUGE heart and in fact,forgive the douchebag;now, did you really forgot what he did?. The fact that you forgive doesnt necessarily mean that you forget; cuz forgiving someone means that you can still remember that-'WTV' happened-and dont feel that anger anymore,you can still have those memories and, even though they are hurtful,they dont 'haunt' you anymore-You're free!.
I would describe it as a 'cathartic process'; cuz, not only you're making that jerk who hurt you feel a lot better, you're healing your emotional wounds as well........its a 'win-win situation'!
So, in my opinion, that whole 'forgetting' part,its completely unnecessary; because if you forget EVERYTHING that happened,then chances are, it will happeb again in the future(yes...cuz you let your guard down...)
So, my advice:FORGIVE,DO NOT FORGET.....BUT DONT LET THOSE MEMORIES F*CK WITH YOUR MIND!................as simple as that!..........
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."FEAR"
(means: "F*ck Everything And Run..........JK!)..........'Fear' can be described as 'lack of courage'; which its ironic cuz I heared once that "Courage its not the abscence of 'fear',it is the power to overcome that fear"......confusing,isnt?.......
..........So....wheres that power?. Somewhere inside of you,obviously, because every single human being has it(even the most 'crying lil' pus**es).
Personally, there are many thing in life that scare the living sh*t out of me, and sometimes I just dont want to do something because Im terrified of just dealing with circumstances in my life. For example,(believe it or not)I was actually a really shy person-thats why I've created this 'alter-ego', AlexSabelle-so I can speak my mind.....and get away with it!-LOL!.......
But, seriously, writing under some other 'identity'.......it has been really helpful for me. Cuz now,Im not THAT shy anymore, but Im taking lil' baby steps to overcome my shyness(...its that even a word?....WTV......)....
Ok,"my point is..........?"...That it doesnt matter what you're scared of, you have to face your fears, and try as hard as you can to overcome that fear, cuz otherwise, you will never accomplish anything in life!-harsh, but true!.(Trust me, you will be thankful in the future, si I'll give you a 'futuristic you're welcome'!).
So go ahead, START LIVING!. It is ok, even normal to be scared of something(or someone), but having the courage(or the power)to overcome that fear....it makes you stronger each day, and maybe someday you'll realize how much of an idiot you were for being such a pus*y!......JK!!!!!!!!!!!.
~ alex.
..........So....wheres that power?. Somewhere inside of you,obviously, because every single human being has it(even the most 'crying lil' pus**es).
Personally, there are many thing in life that scare the living sh*t out of me, and sometimes I just dont want to do something because Im terrified of just dealing with circumstances in my life. For example,(believe it or not)I was actually a really shy person-thats why I've created this 'alter-ego', AlexSabelle-so I can speak my mind.....and get away with it!-LOL!.......
But, seriously, writing under some other 'identity'.......it has been really helpful for me. Cuz now,Im not THAT shy anymore, but Im taking lil' baby steps to overcome my shyness(...its that even a word?....WTV......)....
Ok,"my point is..........?"...That it doesnt matter what you're scared of, you have to face your fears, and try as hard as you can to overcome that fear, cuz otherwise, you will never accomplish anything in life!-harsh, but true!.(Trust me, you will be thankful in the future, si I'll give you a 'futuristic you're welcome'!).
So go ahead, START LIVING!. It is ok, even normal to be scared of something(or someone), but having the courage(or the power)to overcome that fear....it makes you stronger each day, and maybe someday you'll realize how much of an idiot you were for being such a pus*y!......JK!!!!!!!!!!!.
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."That True Love".(part.2)
..........Ok, now that I got some time to catch up my breath(and a lil' bit of my sanity) I can continue with this topic. Ok, first of all, maybe you have read some of the stuff I've written before-like "R.I.P.(Rest In Pain)",or "First Love Requiem"-well, those were a lil' bit over dramatic ways to show you my point. Because, ok, *deep breath* I DO STILL have feelings for him("NO, I am not going to mention 'his' name,so dont be so sneaky!".).....but, honestly, I know he doesnt feels ths same, so, I have to move on. And, I have my mind set on that goal. But, my heart-'it' always goes in the opposite direction!.- So, thats why I've used the metaphor of 'ripping and tearing my heart apart', and even more dramatic-throwing it in a grave!.
But it goes to show how angsty and depressed I get when my heart gets so stubborn!. Why it is so damn hard to leave the past where it belongs...IN THE PAST!(....duh!!...). I mean, I was just a girl, it has been a long time-years-why the f*ck he's still so close to my heart when he's actually so far?.
Sometimes, I would like to have a chat with my own heart and just explain to 'it' that he cant hold on to the past cuz its just making me unhappy!.......and also,that 'it' has been a childish a*hole for making me cry so much!....Sadly, I cant do that(nor tearing it apart cuz...well...you know why i cant its obvious so...wtv...)so, if I cant "bury it" or "burn it", or(....), I would do something a lil' less bloody or creepy....I would IGNORE IT!.
-"Hey!. I am not being mean or selfish-Im just in a desperate search for happiness!". Because right now-at least in the 'love aspect' of my life-I am not happy at all!!!!!!!. Why?. Because my heart cant let go of the past! Simple!.
The thing is, sometimes,even when our hearts tell us-"Go ahead!', "Dont give up!", "Maybe he(she)will be back"....you have to face a really tough bee-otch: REALITY!........Yeah, sadly for many of us, life's no fairytale. I am not saying that I wont be able to fall in love again(or you), but it wont be the same 'feeling'-that feeling which I can not describe because there are no words to describe it-its just "THAT ONE TRUE LOVE"........that love that changed your life forever(and mine also). But life goes on...whether 'Mr.Heart' likes it or not!!!!!!!.
(P.S.: I know, this topic deserves a third part, but honestly, it would be endless!. But lets see what happens, join me in this journey and hey, just because you're not happy in this particular time in your life, that doesnt mean you wont be happy.........your happiness its on its way(and, hopefully, mine also*fingers crossed*) God bless................)
~ alex.
But it goes to show how angsty and depressed I get when my heart gets so stubborn!. Why it is so damn hard to leave the past where it belongs...IN THE PAST!(....duh!!...). I mean, I was just a girl, it has been a long time-years-why the f*ck he's still so close to my heart when he's actually so far?.
Sometimes, I would like to have a chat with my own heart and just explain to 'it' that he cant hold on to the past cuz its just making me unhappy!.......and also,that 'it' has been a childish a*hole for making me cry so much!....Sadly, I cant do that(nor tearing it apart cuz...well...you know why i cant its obvious so...wtv...)so, if I cant "bury it" or "burn it", or(....), I would do something a lil' less bloody or creepy....I would IGNORE IT!.
-"Hey!. I am not being mean or selfish-Im just in a desperate search for happiness!". Because right now-at least in the 'love aspect' of my life-I am not happy at all!!!!!!!. Why?. Because my heart cant let go of the past! Simple!.
The thing is, sometimes,even when our hearts tell us-"Go ahead!', "Dont give up!", "Maybe he(she)will be back"....you have to face a really tough bee-otch: REALITY!........Yeah, sadly for many of us, life's no fairytale. I am not saying that I wont be able to fall in love again(or you), but it wont be the same 'feeling'-that feeling which I can not describe because there are no words to describe it-its just "THAT ONE TRUE LOVE"........that love that changed your life forever(and mine also). But life goes on...whether 'Mr.Heart' likes it or not!!!!!!!.
(P.S.: I know, this topic deserves a third part, but honestly, it would be endless!. But lets see what happens, join me in this journey and hey, just because you're not happy in this particular time in your life, that doesnt mean you wont be happy.........your happiness its on its way(and, hopefully, mine also*fingers crossed*) God bless................)
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."That True Love".
-"OMG!. This cant be happening!"- I thought. As I was waiting for my mother in the parking lot, I saw him pass by driving an old white car. I hide for like 10 seconds, and then he was gone, and I had no idea why I was acting that way. I was shocked(cuz, first of all, the loser learned how to drive)-but not only that, I was shocked with my own reaction. I mean,my heart was beating so fast and I dont know why I was beating so fast and I dont know why I start crying like an idiot.(Thank God for the sunglasses, cuz right that second, my mom got into the car)-so I wipe off my tears,but I was battling with my tears inside of me.All that I wanted was to get home and stay in my room for at least a week!-but, no, my mom wanted to go shopping, and I thought, "Why not?". I need to get my mind busy, and the only thing that can heal my lil' broken heart its my dad's credit card".
So, I started looking through every single store buying stuff that I dont even need, and then I received a sign, that it could only be described as a sign sent from above of how messed up I was-as I was walking through the store, alongside this amazing pair of jeans I was about to buy, I was holding....A Britto purse!-"ok?.Theres something wrong with me!.Ewwww!. Those things are an insult to fashion!!."........
...........So, as I dropped that horrendous 'thing' in the first empty shelf I could find(leaving those gorgeousjeans behind also)*tear*. I ran back to the car because I was in desperate need for a 'wake-up call'(or a slap in the face for carrying that Britto purse through the entire store!-EMBARRASSING 1/2!" -so, I called my BFF, just to hear those heartbreaking, butt-kicking words:"You're just not over him yet, he will always be THAT FIRST LOVE"-I hung up inmediately just to call her back(still dont know why but I did.), and I told her: "You are wrong. HE IS THAT ONE TRUE LOVE!", and hung up.
I have no idea how I got the courage to say(or admit) something that, up until this day, was just in my heart. But I did. I was in denial all of this time! I start getting really anxious trying to forget what happened, ditching all of those thoughts related to him. Then I receive a text message from my BFF, hoping to read some of her "words of wisdom'(yes, she has 'her moments' at times), but all that I received was "Please tell me you didnt bought that hideous Britto bag or I will punch you!. xoxoxo"-It was like my whole 'fantasy world' that I had built over this years was crashing down!.
And I couldnt say anything to my 'conscience'(a.k.a.:My Mom) cuz she thinks that he is the biggest turd in the universe, so that wasnt what I needed to hear(....or was it?....)
So, I decided to stay quiet through all the way home just listening to my mom talking about-God knows what-*vomit*.........
As soon as I got home, I grabbed a pen and paper and I was determined to write a "F*ck you letter" to my past, but I was shocked when I read it:"This is not a 'F*ck you letter'; its an 'I love you letter'!"-FML!!!.
After that, I did what I thought was tha best, I burned it. But dont think that I was happy about it. I was crying hysterically, covering my mouth with a towel, trying not to scream. And I threw away the ashes.........
..............I've been trying to get some sleep for the last couple of days, but it has been impossible. It was an awful day-Thanks to him-I felt sooo much anxiety cuz I couldnt explain to myself how is it possible to still have feelings for him when he made my life a living hell. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist the next day. So, I told her everythimg that happened and she just told me: -"Nothing happens as a coincidence".-"OK?. WTF?!-What does that even mean?."
I've been trying to figure that out since yesterday(...yes, all of the above happened in just 2 days!....).
"What she meant when she said that 'everything happens for a reason'?". Quite frankly, I have no idea. So, for my own sanity, I would take some time to 'digest' all of this stuff.........I'll finish this topic later I promise....."later! :'(
~ alex.
So, I started looking through every single store buying stuff that I dont even need, and then I received a sign, that it could only be described as a sign sent from above of how messed up I was-as I was walking through the store, alongside this amazing pair of jeans I was about to buy, I was holding....A Britto purse!-"ok?.Theres something wrong with me!.Ewwww!. Those things are an insult to fashion!!."........
...........So, as I dropped that horrendous 'thing' in the first empty shelf I could find(leaving those gorgeousjeans behind also)*tear*. I ran back to the car because I was in desperate need for a 'wake-up call'(or a slap in the face for carrying that Britto purse through the entire store!-EMBARRASSING 1/2!" -so, I called my BFF, just to hear those heartbreaking, butt-kicking words:"You're just not over him yet, he will always be THAT FIRST LOVE"-I hung up inmediately just to call her back(still dont know why but I did.), and I told her: "You are wrong. HE IS THAT ONE TRUE LOVE!", and hung up.
I have no idea how I got the courage to say(or admit) something that, up until this day, was just in my heart. But I did. I was in denial all of this time! I start getting really anxious trying to forget what happened, ditching all of those thoughts related to him. Then I receive a text message from my BFF, hoping to read some of her "words of wisdom'(yes, she has 'her moments' at times), but all that I received was "Please tell me you didnt bought that hideous Britto bag or I will punch you!. xoxoxo"-It was like my whole 'fantasy world' that I had built over this years was crashing down!.
And I couldnt say anything to my 'conscience'(a.k.a.:My Mom) cuz she thinks that he is the biggest turd in the universe, so that wasnt what I needed to hear(....or was it?....)
So, I decided to stay quiet through all the way home just listening to my mom talking about-God knows what-*vomit*.........
As soon as I got home, I grabbed a pen and paper and I was determined to write a "F*ck you letter" to my past, but I was shocked when I read it:"This is not a 'F*ck you letter'; its an 'I love you letter'!"-FML!!!.
After that, I did what I thought was tha best, I burned it. But dont think that I was happy about it. I was crying hysterically, covering my mouth with a towel, trying not to scream. And I threw away the ashes.........
..............I've been trying to get some sleep for the last couple of days, but it has been impossible. It was an awful day-Thanks to him-I felt sooo much anxiety cuz I couldnt explain to myself how is it possible to still have feelings for him when he made my life a living hell. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist the next day. So, I told her everythimg that happened and she just told me: -"Nothing happens as a coincidence".-"OK?. WTF?!-What does that even mean?."
I've been trying to figure that out since yesterday(...yes, all of the above happened in just 2 days!....).
"What she meant when she said that 'everything happens for a reason'?". Quite frankly, I have no idea. So, for my own sanity, I would take some time to 'digest' all of this stuff.........I'll finish this topic later I promise....."later! :'(
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."REVENGE".
Some people say that "Revenge its a dish thats better served cold"...Now the thing is if this 'dish' its even worth to be 'served'-or not. Should you fight 'fire with fire' or just 'kill (...) with kindness'?. Wao, though one, huh?.
Well, in my "unofficial and unauthorized" opinion.........well, that depends. Cuz there are some things that are just sooo meaningless and ridiculous that its not even worth your time. But, there are other situations(some of them have a Full Name) than just hearing about 'it' makes your heart beat so fast you feel it down to your...feet!.
There are even situations in which you have been so humiliated, kicked, punched, left-out, turned down(.....you get my point)-that you just want that 'S-O-B's' head on a silver plate!!!!!!!(*deep breath*). But thats the moment when you need to sit, try to relax and think about if its worth it or not. Cuz if you're thinking about that bi*** who "stole" your boyfriend(or that a*hole who "stole" your girlfriend)- NEWSFLASH!: Nobody steals Nobody!. He(she) left by himself(or herself)-yeah!-you're welcome!.
Sorry, but thats the harsh truth.So, drop that knife and let life takes its natural course. Remember "what goes around, comes around"; trust me, it does....Of course, you will always have that bitter aftertaste just because you didnt got your hands dirty(but sometimes, you just have to deal with the fact that its not worth it!).
Still, there is another example where I DO SUPPORT REVENGE: Lets say you're not the 'prototypical cheerleader-or jock' at high school and you have been victim of 'bullying'. Now, in this case, you know what they say: "Desperate times call for desperate measures": And, in this particular case, you have 3 'partners in crime': Photoshop, a Printer and Your School Walls-yep!. Exactly!- You're welcome. (Dont worry, your secret its safe with me....."buahahaha-LOL!".
............Now, dont blame me if they throw you into a dumpster-all in the name of 'revenge'-but hey, at least you had your 5 minutes of-"yeah, take that you douche!!!!". Those 5 minutes are the equivalent to 5 years in "nerd time", so be graateful that you're going to be EPIC!. (Yeap, just like the "Luke, I am your father" scene on Star Wars).
So, maybe your revenge came back to bit you in the a*s, but at least you took one for all of us geeks and outcasts inside this 'plastic universe'; so, "may the force be with you"...I mean, thanks!".
~ alex.
Well, in my "unofficial and unauthorized" opinion.........well, that depends. Cuz there are some things that are just sooo meaningless and ridiculous that its not even worth your time. But, there are other situations(some of them have a Full Name) than just hearing about 'it' makes your heart beat so fast you feel it down to your...feet!.
There are even situations in which you have been so humiliated, kicked, punched, left-out, turned down(.....you get my point)-that you just want that 'S-O-B's' head on a silver plate!!!!!!!(*deep breath*). But thats the moment when you need to sit, try to relax and think about if its worth it or not. Cuz if you're thinking about that bi*** who "stole" your boyfriend(or that a*hole who "stole" your girlfriend)- NEWSFLASH!: Nobody steals Nobody!. He(she) left by himself(or herself)-yeah!-you're welcome!.
Sorry, but thats the harsh truth.So, drop that knife and let life takes its natural course. Remember "what goes around, comes around"; trust me, it does....Of course, you will always have that bitter aftertaste just because you didnt got your hands dirty(but sometimes, you just have to deal with the fact that its not worth it!).
Still, there is another example where I DO SUPPORT REVENGE: Lets say you're not the 'prototypical cheerleader-or jock' at high school and you have been victim of 'bullying'. Now, in this case, you know what they say: "Desperate times call for desperate measures": And, in this particular case, you have 3 'partners in crime': Photoshop, a Printer and Your School Walls-yep!. Exactly!- You're welcome. (Dont worry, your secret its safe with me....."buahahaha-LOL!".
............Now, dont blame me if they throw you into a dumpster-all in the name of 'revenge'-but hey, at least you had your 5 minutes of-"yeah, take that you douche!!!!". Those 5 minutes are the equivalent to 5 years in "nerd time", so be graateful that you're going to be EPIC!. (Yeap, just like the "Luke, I am your father" scene on Star Wars).
So, maybe your revenge came back to bit you in the a*s, but at least you took one for all of us geeks and outcasts inside this 'plastic universe'; so, "may the force be with you"...I mean, thanks!".
~ alex.
Words of wisdom (and boredom) about....."Love is(NOT)all you need".
*sigh*...LOVE....it is one of those feelings that people have twisted and turned into this-fictitious, provocative, astonishing, majestic, careless, breathtaking(to name a few)-sort of 'phenomenom'. Sure, it sounds romantic and even 'promising'; but, truth be told, thats all a metaphor, an infamous cliche invented by some 'self-proclaimed poem' in a desperate attempt to show off and gain notoriety.
Unfortunately, people have embraced this idea of "love" which its not realistic at all. And,no, I am not going to preach about the 'biblical meaning' of Love(even though that's the true meaning...). I am going to give you my point of view about this "oh, so exploited" topic.......
.........To me, its a lil' of what I mentioned before(just a lil').....cuz in reality its a much deeper feeling.....in terms of commitment, cuz its not a-'til death do us part-kind of feeling, its Eternal. Maybe its breathtaking, but that-"I cant live without you!"-that its Borderline Psychotic!!!!. It could be felt as astonishing and careless but in reality its anything but: it has its 'bad days' and if you really feel love for someone all that you do is take CARE of that person, so,"careless?"...I dont think so. And yes, it sure its provocative at times, lets be honest, we're all human...but if what you feel is true love, then that strong feeling goes way beyond physical contact; if you really love someone, so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with him(or her), trust me, its worth the wait, so, its not even that 'passionate' after all.
The thinng is that-"all you need is love"(with the popular definition of the term) has turned into a modern-day classic. And, really?. Trying to explain the REAL meaning of that word.....*sigh*... FEELS LIKE IM REINVENTING THE WHEEL HERE!........
......Sure its romantic, and frenetic, and yes, makes you want to live like theres no tomorrow and take the most dangerous risks for that 'special someone', but underneath all of that flaming, exhilarating-even tempting-emotions, theres another part of love that its soooo overlooked by people most of the times. Its an equal amount of: responsability, loyalty, honesty, purity, respect, struggle, security, kindness, optimism, fearlessness, innocense(yet maturity). And I know what you're probably thinking..."Boring!"....but, thats the 'real deal'. If you just think that love its like a-"Live fast, die young"-sort of feeling-its not Love...that its LUST!....Which not only its not a feeling-its one of the 7 deadly sins,"hello!"-(so...no thnx!).....
But, its not boring at all, trust me, it has its adventurous, 'passive-aggressive' moments, it is enthusiastic, and one thing its for sure, it is UNAVOIDABLE(.....yeap...just like death...).
Trust is, sometimes people are just "in love with the idea of being in love", and they forget that it goes beyond that-"Oh, how romantic!"-portray. It is more than a feeling; its a bond, a commitment, a pact; it is knowing that you will have that "special someone" there no matter what, even when things turn sour and everything seeme to come crashing down, even when your daily schedules seem to be rivals cuz you barely have time to be together, even when both of you start having growing careers and your lives start to turn into a ROUTINE(...I know, that DOES sounds boring)-but my point is.......regardless all of the above 'blablabla'; knowing that your 'Romeo'(or 'Juliet') its there for you through EVERYTHING....now thats LOVE!.
Ok, I know its a lil' cliche...but its true!. It has both sides: the positive and negative-just like everything else in life.
................So, I guess I have achieved my goal....maybe I didnt "reinvent the wheel", but I gave you the inside story about this '4-letter-dilemma'.........
~ alex.
Unfortunately, people have embraced this idea of "love" which its not realistic at all. And,no, I am not going to preach about the 'biblical meaning' of Love(even though that's the true meaning...). I am going to give you my point of view about this "oh, so exploited" topic.......
.........To me, its a lil' of what I mentioned before(just a lil').....cuz in reality its a much deeper feeling.....in terms of commitment, cuz its not a-'til death do us part-kind of feeling, its Eternal. Maybe its breathtaking, but that-"I cant live without you!"-that its Borderline Psychotic!!!!. It could be felt as astonishing and careless but in reality its anything but: it has its 'bad days' and if you really feel love for someone all that you do is take CARE of that person, so,"careless?"...I dont think so. And yes, it sure its provocative at times, lets be honest, we're all human...but if what you feel is true love, then that strong feeling goes way beyond physical contact; if you really love someone, so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with him(or her), trust me, its worth the wait, so, its not even that 'passionate' after all.
The thinng is that-"all you need is love"(with the popular definition of the term) has turned into a modern-day classic. And, really?. Trying to explain the REAL meaning of that word.....*sigh*... FEELS LIKE IM REINVENTING THE WHEEL HERE!........
......Sure its romantic, and frenetic, and yes, makes you want to live like theres no tomorrow and take the most dangerous risks for that 'special someone', but underneath all of that flaming, exhilarating-even tempting-emotions, theres another part of love that its soooo overlooked by people most of the times. Its an equal amount of: responsability, loyalty, honesty, purity, respect, struggle, security, kindness, optimism, fearlessness, innocense(yet maturity). And I know what you're probably thinking..."Boring!"....but, thats the 'real deal'. If you just think that love its like a-"Live fast, die young"-sort of feeling-its not Love...that its LUST!....Which not only its not a feeling-its one of the 7 deadly sins,"hello!"-(so...no thnx!).....
But, its not boring at all, trust me, it has its adventurous, 'passive-aggressive' moments, it is enthusiastic, and one thing its for sure, it is UNAVOIDABLE(.....yeap...just like death...).
Trust is, sometimes people are just "in love with the idea of being in love", and they forget that it goes beyond that-"Oh, how romantic!"-portray. It is more than a feeling; its a bond, a commitment, a pact; it is knowing that you will have that "special someone" there no matter what, even when things turn sour and everything seeme to come crashing down, even when your daily schedules seem to be rivals cuz you barely have time to be together, even when both of you start having growing careers and your lives start to turn into a ROUTINE(...I know, that DOES sounds boring)-but my point is.......regardless all of the above 'blablabla'; knowing that your 'Romeo'(or 'Juliet') its there for you through EVERYTHING....now thats LOVE!.
Ok, I know its a lil' cliche...but its true!. It has both sides: the positive and negative-just like everything else in life.
................So, I guess I have achieved my goal....maybe I didnt "reinvent the wheel", but I gave you the inside story about this '4-letter-dilemma'.........
~ alex.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Words of wisdom(and boredom) about: "FEELINGS".
Have you ever felt soooo much pain that you wish you had no feelings at all, so that way no one can hurt you?. I have. So, here's an advice based on my own experience: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!.
Know why?...Because the only thing worse than feeling pain is feeling NOTHING AT ALL!. Yeah, I know, it doesnt make sense but, trust me,I mean it......... 'cuz at least when you have your "sour moments", those feelings make you realize that you're still alive.....so deep inside(VERY VERY deep inside sometimes) there's a lil' hope hidden somewhere. But, when you feel nothing, not even pain-nor remorse-then you ARE NOT HUMAN!!!!!!!! Period!!!!!.......... 'cuz having this "Emotional roller coaster"......thats part of being humans. We are not perfect, but sometimes,we think we are, we try to play God....and you know what happens to the first idiot that attempted that, right?..........yeap, he screwed himself over and you know how the story ended up for him, right?.
So, go ahead, FEEL!. Ok, I know exactly what you're thinking, ''what a insensitive bi***!'''..........But, I know how it feels, that fire burning inside of you, so hurtful you rather be dead!. But, like I mentioned before-it comes with the whole package of being package of being ''human''-so,you just have to deal with it, pray for strenght, and move on.
.....And, you know why?............ 'çuz its okay to feel pain, sadness-even pessimism-sometimes, the only thing you have to keep in mind is that you cant let those feelings take control over you. Thats the secret...plain & simple(...and the same goes to be always extremely cheerful and ''ÝAY!''-dude, thats annoying!, take it down a notch,ok?)-anyways...my point is, that every emotion, taken to the extremes=CHAOS!-Got it?....I hope so, cuz otherwise(if you end up being numb) you are going to be like a living dead,a zombie-and its not as cool as it sounds-not only you are going to be numb to all of the pain and suffering in your life, you are going to be numb to all of those beautiful, satisfying feelings as well. You're going to have that-''I dont give a fu**!''-attitude, and not only that, youre going to end up dying alone...cuz lets be honest, who wants to spend time with such a loser?. I know I dont, thats why, whenever I feel like theres no escape, I write all my sh** down, since thats one of my talents(and yes, you have one also)......just do whatever makes you happy at that specific moment(keep your mind busy!). That way, that major douche who tried to play God(I mentioned 'it' before) cant fool with your mind, cuz youre keeping it busy with positive stuff(...remember,POSITIVE STUFF...if that means 'álcohol, drugs,or porn' for you...then he fu**** up with your mind already.....so, NO!).
Im not saying that you can always have control over your emotions(I know I cant, but I got help and thankfully Im stable at least)-the thing is, whenever you feel like you cant handle the situation on your own(even when youre not alone cuz God''s always with you), you have to get help, its okay to get help,you are not perfect......so......learn how to deal with the fact that you are just a human,give up on perfection, and move on!....
(P.S. This statements are part of a HUGE lesson that the author-a.k.a. me-learned,the hard way of course, since Im a stubborn bi***!!!!!!!. So,kids, do not try this at home!.....God bless!!!!).
~ alex.
Know why?...Because the only thing worse than feeling pain is feeling NOTHING AT ALL!. Yeah, I know, it doesnt make sense but, trust me,I mean it......... 'cuz at least when you have your "sour moments", those feelings make you realize that you're still alive.....so deep inside(VERY VERY deep inside sometimes) there's a lil' hope hidden somewhere. But, when you feel nothing, not even pain-nor remorse-then you ARE NOT HUMAN!!!!!!!! Period!!!!!.......... 'cuz having this "Emotional roller coaster"......thats part of being humans. We are not perfect, but sometimes,we think we are, we try to play God....and you know what happens to the first idiot that attempted that, right?..........yeap, he screwed himself over and you know how the story ended up for him, right?.
So, go ahead, FEEL!. Ok, I know exactly what you're thinking, ''what a insensitive bi***!'''..........But, I know how it feels, that fire burning inside of you, so hurtful you rather be dead!. But, like I mentioned before-it comes with the whole package of being package of being ''human''-so,you just have to deal with it, pray for strenght, and move on.
.....And, you know why?............ 'çuz its okay to feel pain, sadness-even pessimism-sometimes, the only thing you have to keep in mind is that you cant let those feelings take control over you. Thats the secret...plain & simple(...and the same goes to be always extremely cheerful and ''ÝAY!''-dude, thats annoying!, take it down a notch,ok?)-anyways...my point is, that every emotion, taken to the extremes=CHAOS!-Got it?....I hope so, cuz otherwise(if you end up being numb) you are going to be like a living dead,a zombie-and its not as cool as it sounds-not only you are going to be numb to all of the pain and suffering in your life, you are going to be numb to all of those beautiful, satisfying feelings as well. You're going to have that-''I dont give a fu**!''-attitude, and not only that, youre going to end up dying alone...cuz lets be honest, who wants to spend time with such a loser?. I know I dont, thats why, whenever I feel like theres no escape, I write all my sh** down, since thats one of my talents(and yes, you have one also)......just do whatever makes you happy at that specific moment(keep your mind busy!). That way, that major douche who tried to play God(I mentioned 'it' before) cant fool with your mind, cuz youre keeping it busy with positive stuff(...remember,POSITIVE STUFF...if that means 'álcohol, drugs,or porn' for you...then he fu**** up with your mind already.....so, NO!).
Im not saying that you can always have control over your emotions(I know I cant, but I got help and thankfully Im stable at least)-the thing is, whenever you feel like you cant handle the situation on your own(even when youre not alone cuz God''s always with you), you have to get help, its okay to get help,you are not perfect......so......learn how to deal with the fact that you are just a human,give up on perfection, and move on!....
(P.S. This statements are part of a HUGE lesson that the author-a.k.a. me-learned,the hard way of course, since Im a stubborn bi***!!!!!!!. So,kids, do not try this at home!.....God bless!!!!).
~ alex.
Monday, September 12, 2011
No Regrets
I dont regret the day I met you
I dont regret that-'anything but perfect'-first date
I dont regret the day we became a couple
I dont regret the first tear I cried because of you-nor the last one(just right now)
I dont regret any of the fights, the break-ups, the nights we spent on the phone trying to solve those "dilemmas"-that now they all seemed so childish(its embarrassing)
I dont regret all of the plans we made, our dreamed home, a family, our careers, every single datail-even when its not going to happen
I dont regret those wonderful moments we spent together
Idont regret loving you-up until this day
I dont even regret losing you.................Because you can not loose what you never had.............
~ alex.
I dont regret that-'anything but perfect'-first date
I dont regret the day we became a couple
I dont regret the first tear I cried because of you-nor the last one(just right now)
I dont regret any of the fights, the break-ups, the nights we spent on the phone trying to solve those "dilemmas"-that now they all seemed so childish(its embarrassing)
I dont regret all of the plans we made, our dreamed home, a family, our careers, every single datail-even when its not going to happen
I dont regret those wonderful moments we spent together
Idont regret loving you-up until this day
I dont even regret losing you.................Because you can not loose what you never had.............
~ alex.
Nothing less than perfection
Tonight the moon is shining bright...Despite the lack of light, that sparkle in your eyes its enough to guide us through this path......So much in my mind, so much to say, but I wont 'cuz words are meaningless in a moment like this.......I rather just listen, but you dont say anything either......I just listen to your heart beating.......All talk is cheap compared to that.
Now that tha night is coming to an end, I promise I'll keep all of these memories in my heart forever........I guess heaven must be just like this........But if I have you here 'til the end of my days, then i can patiently wait..........
.................Now lets just watch as this rising sun brings light to our lives and walk through this journey called 'life' together.........But promise me we'll never look back......simply 'cuz theres nothing thats worth back there.......now we can finally breath; a new life awaits for you and me-not 'til death do us part-ETERNALLY!..........
~ alex.
Now that tha night is coming to an end, I promise I'll keep all of these memories in my heart forever........I guess heaven must be just like this........But if I have you here 'til the end of my days, then i can patiently wait..........
.................Now lets just watch as this rising sun brings light to our lives and walk through this journey called 'life' together.........But promise me we'll never look back......simply 'cuz theres nothing thats worth back there.......now we can finally breath; a new life awaits for you and me-not 'til death do us part-ETERNALLY!..........
~ alex.
Forever gone Forever
Broken promises about a future, the confirmation of a 'forever' thats now gone forever...Just a simple "good-bye" to you, but thousands of broken dreams for me. I saw an entire love story represented on them....Now, all that I saw..........has gone forever.
As much as I try to let go, I cant......Because my heart keeps whispering "forever"...That promise that we made, now has become a lesson well learned; That 'forever' might fall apart, but that promise remains in my heart....about a promising 'forever'.......Yet, I was so sure that 'forever' meant eternal, but I was wrong, and now that everything has been said and done,you're gone forever.......
.........But 'forever' its not eternal, isnt it?..........So my heart will wait forever, even if I nEver see you again, even when I nEver thought that tou'll be gone 'forever', even if I dont know what 'forever' means to you anymore, even if your 'forever' has gone forever.......................
............even if that 'forever' always meant 'forNever'.........
~ alex.
As much as I try to let go, I cant......Because my heart keeps whispering "forever"...That promise that we made, now has become a lesson well learned; That 'forever' might fall apart, but that promise remains in my heart....about a promising 'forever'.......Yet, I was so sure that 'forever' meant eternal, but I was wrong, and now that everything has been said and done,you're gone forever.......
.........But 'forever' its not eternal, isnt it?..........So my heart will wait forever, even if I nEver see you again, even when I nEver thought that tou'll be gone 'forever', even if I dont know what 'forever' means to you anymore, even if your 'forever' has gone forever.......................
............even if that 'forever' always meant 'forNever'.........
~ alex.
R.I.P. (Rest In Pain)
I feel the tears running down my face...I rushed to the door and close it, 'cuz this camouflage its starting to fade away. Finally, another day has come to an end.
Now that everybody's gone, the routine begins, starting by taking this mask off, letting tears fall down giving up on humanity.
Laying in bed, shell-shocked, unwilling to look forward, whispering this fragile lullaby with words full of disenchantment and melancholy. This nocturnal vibe its the perfect scenario to start with my "life rehearsal" for tomorrow, just in case tomorrow catches me alive. Turns out, faking a smile its easier than I thought, but its exhausting and draining-to say the least.
With only a few hours left before the sun brings back my humanity;but these hours are more than enough to end up with this torture, pretending and portraying something that Im not! Its a hypocritacal charade, and what I have received in exchange?........a wasted youth, a fake identity, so, Im ditching the only thing that keeps me attached to this humanity.......and I'll dare to go a lil' further, I will stab it to death; just a 'minor surgery', a few cuts and stitches...........
.................I woke up, another day has began, but this time I dont have to fake happiness, Im not afraid of the light-nor darkness-I am fearless, Im...NUMB!.
Why?.... Because I have my worst enemy on a silver plate, Im doing what I had planned: stabbing it to death.....Now Im driving this hearse taking this backstabber,sentimental liar to his final resting place where I wont have to deal with 'it' anymore....
-"And down there you are, where you belong,you selfish lying piece of ****!!!!. I took you, ripped you apart, and I throw you into this hole, this somber tomb and I'll bury you forever".
So, now, its time to say my last words to my WORST ENEMY EVER......MY OWN HEART!. Now, in case you're wondering how I feel?.......I cant explain at all.......I feel nothing...
-"Ironic, isnt?. I bet you have never seen a corpse driving a hearse, havent you?"..............
~ alex.
Now that everybody's gone, the routine begins, starting by taking this mask off, letting tears fall down giving up on humanity.
Laying in bed, shell-shocked, unwilling to look forward, whispering this fragile lullaby with words full of disenchantment and melancholy. This nocturnal vibe its the perfect scenario to start with my "life rehearsal" for tomorrow, just in case tomorrow catches me alive. Turns out, faking a smile its easier than I thought, but its exhausting and draining-to say the least.
With only a few hours left before the sun brings back my humanity;but these hours are more than enough to end up with this torture, pretending and portraying something that Im not! Its a hypocritacal charade, and what I have received in exchange?........a wasted youth, a fake identity, so, Im ditching the only thing that keeps me attached to this humanity.......and I'll dare to go a lil' further, I will stab it to death; just a 'minor surgery', a few cuts and stitches...........
.................I woke up, another day has began, but this time I dont have to fake happiness, Im not afraid of the light-nor darkness-I am fearless, Im...NUMB!.
Why?.... Because I have my worst enemy on a silver plate, Im doing what I had planned: stabbing it to death.....Now Im driving this hearse taking this backstabber,sentimental liar to his final resting place where I wont have to deal with 'it' anymore....
-"And down there you are, where you belong,you selfish lying piece of ****!!!!. I took you, ripped you apart, and I throw you into this hole, this somber tomb and I'll bury you forever".
So, now, its time to say my last words to my WORST ENEMY EVER......MY OWN HEART!. Now, in case you're wondering how I feel?.......I cant explain at all.......I feel nothing...
-"Ironic, isnt?. I bet you have never seen a corpse driving a hearse, havent you?"..............
~ alex.
Vanity found on the murder scene
An impending death ahead, her time has come to an end, but its not a 'natural' death. A murder has been committed. An abominable compilation of atrocities left this 'body' in a really bad shape. And there's only one suspect: Self-hate.
Underneath all that make-up and glam, a murder plan was being properly executed. But, truth be told, 'Self-hate' was only doing "the devil's job" on this victim-Literally!- 'cuz theres no other who could even think about commiting such merciless hate crime to such an innocent being. Many people are so afraid even listening to 'his' name, 'cuz he has been inmortalized as this 'red beast with horns hollding a trident'; in this case his name is "Self-esteem", along with his sidekick "Self-hate".
But the sttory doesnt begin here.........it all started with this gorgeous, happy, innocent girl who had her own battle with her mind.......exactly 'his' master plan, 'cuz thats 'his' battlefield-your mind-terefore, your heart.
However, she can be blamed as well, but now, looking at her and listening to her last cry for help its impossible(even cruel) to blame her for anything. But Im sure that deep inside, she knows that she had the 'cure' in her hands, there was SOMEONE there to fight her battles, she had The Lord by her side at all times, knocking at her door. But, like a respectful gentleman that He is, He wont enter into a place without being 'invited'.
But He was there, at all times....even now, when everything's crashing down, just waiting for her to 'let Him in'. But she wont, 'cuz she keeps listening to 'someone else'......just like she dis in the past........she doesnt want to carry on, she has embraced death as her redeemer, when her true Redeemer was right next to her, and I can feel His sadness, I cant see Him but the feling its so intense that I can feel it deeply into my heart.
Now, as I say good-bye to her, I watch the murder scene and the murderer giving 'his' finishing touches, watching 'his' epic masterpiece in this somber graveyard and all I can think its that the corpse inside that coffin could have been my own. Thankfully, Im still here, but now, the scene right in front of me-there's no reason to cheer about-as the pallbearers bury her coffin,one of them approaches me, since Im the only one that showed up and says: "I am really sorry miss, it is no intention to bother you whatsoever, but I have to know: what should we write on her epitaph?"...........And I looked at him and said: "Would you pay tribute to a murder?"-he stood there quietly.......
-"Exactly", I continued-"There's nothing to write on a piece of stone if that coffin its empty, 'cuz really, what's in there?. Only bones and fleash that would start to rotten really soon, so go ahead and bury it before it starts to stench"...............And I left, but, as I walked through the parking lot, I fell right on my knees begging God for forgiveness-not only for the words I said before-but for all the suffering that He went through because of me. But He had forgiven me a long time ago, I just needed to forgive myself, and I did, and I will be eternally grateful for having a second chance to make ammends in my life.
But the story doesnt end up here, as I pray, I hear a scream; its exactly what I thought, a loud, devilish shout, full of hate and angst; trying to start 'his' battele in my mind once again..but not this time; this time I choose to let SOMEONE GREATER than 'him' to fight my battles. I know that he wont rest-or hesitate-he will haunt tirelessly, but Im not afraid anymore, Im a survival, I have a purpose to continue, unlike this 'girl'(which name I wont mention), who gave up 'cuz her own strenght was not enough. But Im not fighting my enemy with my own strength..........thats why I stand victorious up to this day........and many more to come.......................
~ alex.
Underneath all that make-up and glam, a murder plan was being properly executed. But, truth be told, 'Self-hate' was only doing "the devil's job" on this victim-Literally!- 'cuz theres no other who could even think about commiting such merciless hate crime to such an innocent being. Many people are so afraid even listening to 'his' name, 'cuz he has been inmortalized as this 'red beast with horns hollding a trident'; in this case his name is "Self-esteem", along with his sidekick "Self-hate".
But the sttory doesnt begin here.........it all started with this gorgeous, happy, innocent girl who had her own battle with her mind.......exactly 'his' master plan, 'cuz thats 'his' battlefield-your mind-terefore, your heart.
However, she can be blamed as well, but now, looking at her and listening to her last cry for help its impossible(even cruel) to blame her for anything. But Im sure that deep inside, she knows that she had the 'cure' in her hands, there was SOMEONE there to fight her battles, she had The Lord by her side at all times, knocking at her door. But, like a respectful gentleman that He is, He wont enter into a place without being 'invited'.
But He was there, at all times....even now, when everything's crashing down, just waiting for her to 'let Him in'. But she wont, 'cuz she keeps listening to 'someone else'......just like she dis in the past........she doesnt want to carry on, she has embraced death as her redeemer, when her true Redeemer was right next to her, and I can feel His sadness, I cant see Him but the feling its so intense that I can feel it deeply into my heart.
Now, as I say good-bye to her, I watch the murder scene and the murderer giving 'his' finishing touches, watching 'his' epic masterpiece in this somber graveyard and all I can think its that the corpse inside that coffin could have been my own. Thankfully, Im still here, but now, the scene right in front of me-there's no reason to cheer about-as the pallbearers bury her coffin,one of them approaches me, since Im the only one that showed up and says: "I am really sorry miss, it is no intention to bother you whatsoever, but I have to know: what should we write on her epitaph?"...........And I looked at him and said: "Would you pay tribute to a murder?"-he stood there quietly.......
-"Exactly", I continued-"There's nothing to write on a piece of stone if that coffin its empty, 'cuz really, what's in there?. Only bones and fleash that would start to rotten really soon, so go ahead and bury it before it starts to stench"...............And I left, but, as I walked through the parking lot, I fell right on my knees begging God for forgiveness-not only for the words I said before-but for all the suffering that He went through because of me. But He had forgiven me a long time ago, I just needed to forgive myself, and I did, and I will be eternally grateful for having a second chance to make ammends in my life.
But the story doesnt end up here, as I pray, I hear a scream; its exactly what I thought, a loud, devilish shout, full of hate and angst; trying to start 'his' battele in my mind once again..but not this time; this time I choose to let SOMEONE GREATER than 'him' to fight my battles. I know that he wont rest-or hesitate-he will haunt tirelessly, but Im not afraid anymore, Im a survival, I have a purpose to continue, unlike this 'girl'(which name I wont mention), who gave up 'cuz her own strenght was not enough. But Im not fighting my enemy with my own strength..........thats why I stand victorious up to this day........and many more to come.......................
~ alex.
First Love Requiem
Here you are, standing right in front of me, unable to look me in the eyes. But I look right into yours and I see guilt, pain and many other feelings that you try to hide 'cuz you dont want to be seen as a 'sensitive guy', but you cant hide anything from me 'cuz I know who you really are. And you are the only one who knows who I REALLY AM as well. Wao, just look at us....All grown-up....So different, yet still the same. I still remember when we were those two crazy kids playing to be adults, dreaming about their future.
And here we are, standing in the future. But it doesnt look like the picture I had in my mind at all. Why?. 'Cuz theres a part thats missing-that part is YOU. It all looked so easy back then and now that I see all that we have struggled to get to this point, I realize how ignorant and naive we were. We were living a fantasy; but if something was real in that 'fairytale' was the feeling we had for each other-an honest, pure, unselfish love-at least thats what I felt, up until tha day our paths went on different directions and I decided to put that feeling to rest.....so I buried it, in a very deep tomb in-God knows where-but I made a huge mistake......it was still alive. Now, it has become a ghost that haunts me every night. I have tried to ignore it, pretending that it doesnt even exist, that it was just a childish feeling-not even a feeling-a 'teenage crush'-but here you are and I cant lie to you, it didnt died. Somehow, that feeling made its way out of that dark place-it was not an illusion,it was real-ITS STILL REAL.
But, I can only speak for myself. You're still standing right in front of me. So I ask you if you feel the same way........with no answer whatsoever. Now, not only you dont look me in the eyes...you dont look at me at all.....and that answers my question........or maybe not, 'cuz why are you so nervous all of the sudden?
The reality is, maybe we havent changed as much, but our lives are completely different, you're happy with someone else, and as much as I would love to be in her shoes for just one minute; truth is, I have found someone who does deserve these tears Im crying right now for you. After all, I have many reasons to feel hate for the person who-ironicaly, almost killed me yet, saved my life. How come?......'cuz the day you left was the day my heart died, so I was determined to let this body die as well. But, one day you told me some words I would never forget. And I made him a promise, I promised that I would live and move on.........and I did. I stay true to that promise. So, here we are, this is the way things were meant to be. Maybe its not what we dreamed of, but life its not a dream-its real. But, at least for me, reality has come at a really high cost....MY HAPPINESS.
~ alex.
And here we are, standing in the future. But it doesnt look like the picture I had in my mind at all. Why?. 'Cuz theres a part thats missing-that part is YOU. It all looked so easy back then and now that I see all that we have struggled to get to this point, I realize how ignorant and naive we were. We were living a fantasy; but if something was real in that 'fairytale' was the feeling we had for each other-an honest, pure, unselfish love-at least thats what I felt, up until tha day our paths went on different directions and I decided to put that feeling to rest.....so I buried it, in a very deep tomb in-God knows where-but I made a huge mistake......it was still alive. Now, it has become a ghost that haunts me every night. I have tried to ignore it, pretending that it doesnt even exist, that it was just a childish feeling-not even a feeling-a 'teenage crush'-but here you are and I cant lie to you, it didnt died. Somehow, that feeling made its way out of that dark place-it was not an illusion,it was real-ITS STILL REAL.
But, I can only speak for myself. You're still standing right in front of me. So I ask you if you feel the same way........with no answer whatsoever. Now, not only you dont look me in the eyes...you dont look at me at all.....and that answers my question........or maybe not, 'cuz why are you so nervous all of the sudden?
The reality is, maybe we havent changed as much, but our lives are completely different, you're happy with someone else, and as much as I would love to be in her shoes for just one minute; truth is, I have found someone who does deserve these tears Im crying right now for you. After all, I have many reasons to feel hate for the person who-ironicaly, almost killed me yet, saved my life. How come?......'cuz the day you left was the day my heart died, so I was determined to let this body die as well. But, one day you told me some words I would never forget. And I made him a promise, I promised that I would live and move on.........and I did. I stay true to that promise. So, here we are, this is the way things were meant to be. Maybe its not what we dreamed of, but life its not a dream-its real. But, at least for me, reality has come at a really high cost....MY HAPPINESS.
~ alex.
Poetic Blackout
Woke up in a hospital bed. Nurse says I passed out the night before. So weak I cant barely walk, but somehow made it to the window-and it is mayhem down there!.......I guess this is what 'public exposure' means.....a line-up of spectators trying to get great details on the latest gossip...looking up with righteous indignation and disgust drawn on their faces.
But, what have I done thats so shameful that I have to be condemned for it?. Quite frankly, I have no idea why am I even in this place. Last thing I remembered was a huge audience bouncing back and forth, dancing like crazy, focusing solely on their love for music. It was an awesome feeling of hyped-up energy, heavily influenced by a mixture of heavy roffs and beats...with a lil' something else.......
.......Oh......now everything starts to make sense. Or at least I have a theory for what happened. A fragile memory, however, now that Im focused and sober, I start to feel an awful 'after taste'..there was 'something more'.....I guess these are the 'unseen dangers' of being in the mainstream.
Getting noticed worldwide, earning much praise from thousands of loyal followers; promoting myself as the 'prototypical role model'-but the reality its much more dramatic. It goes far from 'selling out', the truth is that, being passionate and intense about your dreams its a good thing. Just make sure that you dont change 'The Formula' along thw way. That could lead up to severe fame-related injuries, and being pretty much missing in action, 'cuz theres always someone after you, ready to be your replacement anytime. As always, genius is catching, and in a world full of wannabes its a huge dilemma being unique...and get away with it.............
~ alex.
But, what have I done thats so shameful that I have to be condemned for it?. Quite frankly, I have no idea why am I even in this place. Last thing I remembered was a huge audience bouncing back and forth, dancing like crazy, focusing solely on their love for music. It was an awesome feeling of hyped-up energy, heavily influenced by a mixture of heavy roffs and beats...with a lil' something else.......
.......Oh......now everything starts to make sense. Or at least I have a theory for what happened. A fragile memory, however, now that Im focused and sober, I start to feel an awful 'after taste'..there was 'something more'.....I guess these are the 'unseen dangers' of being in the mainstream.
Getting noticed worldwide, earning much praise from thousands of loyal followers; promoting myself as the 'prototypical role model'-but the reality its much more dramatic. It goes far from 'selling out', the truth is that, being passionate and intense about your dreams its a good thing. Just make sure that you dont change 'The Formula' along thw way. That could lead up to severe fame-related injuries, and being pretty much missing in action, 'cuz theres always someone after you, ready to be your replacement anytime. As always, genius is catching, and in a world full of wannabes its a huge dilemma being unique...and get away with it.............
~ alex.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Arise from the Ashes.
All your words are blasphemy, ignoring His words of wisdom, ignoring His sacrifice. You think that there's no chance for you anymore because it is obviously much easier to sit in a corner playing the martyr than trying to fix you up!.
But what would happen if this was your last chance to change?. Would you let all of your wounds heal?. Will you sit quietly, listening while He works in silence?. shhhh....listen, He's working quietly, 'cuz He knows that you were born with a purpose.
He had turned your sins into dust, now it's time to rise from your own ashes...and unveil your wings my angel.......
~ alex.
But what would happen if this was your last chance to change?. Would you let all of your wounds heal?. Will you sit quietly, listening while He works in silence?. shhhh....listen, He's working quietly, 'cuz He knows that you were born with a purpose.
He had turned your sins into dust, now it's time to rise from your own ashes...and unveil your wings my angel.......
~ alex.
He's anything but.....
Like the most infectious plague, digging under rocks, finding new victims. His name?...well, he's a master of disguise, with many 'alter-egos'. Just keep your eyes wide open, it's easy to fall for his game(or his 'job').....
..........His job?....I can not say he's an amateur at what he does;manipulator, player, liar-yet charming, articulate, flawless, just a 'perfect prospect'....IN THE FLESH!. 'Cuz on the inside, he's rotten to the core!.
Personally, I have a name for him....MISTAKE!. But, the story it's way too complicated(and embarrassing) to tell, so, let's say I've been to hell and back.....
But,him?...it's like he was born for this,so he won't sit and rest waiting for his next victim to 'arrive'....he's out there, like a despitefull beast, he would be hunting,merciless. Remember,he's still out there...and it's still hungers..........
~ alex.
..........His job?....I can not say he's an amateur at what he does;manipulator, player, liar-yet charming, articulate, flawless, just a 'perfect prospect'....IN THE FLESH!. 'Cuz on the inside, he's rotten to the core!.
Personally, I have a name for him....MISTAKE!. But, the story it's way too complicated(and embarrassing) to tell, so, let's say I've been to hell and back.....
But,him?...it's like he was born for this,so he won't sit and rest waiting for his next victim to 'arrive'....he's out there, like a despitefull beast, he would be hunting,merciless. Remember,he's still out there...and it's still hungers..........
~ alex.
In a not too distant future, you will be missed.
After all the guests had left, that's when the real show begins. And I'm the only witness to this pathetic drama. Just you, sat up drunk, can't even walk anywhere. Drowning disapproval while inflicting pain, with no remorse that you're not the only one getting hurt. You always find ways to justify your urge for booze, unwilling to quit, always lashing out at everyone around you when, quite frankly, you are the one that's wrong. It's a shame that you have turned this cynical, mercenary practice in your daily routine. Watching your atrocities every day, just giving up for a false sense of peace; it may seem harmless to you, but it's actually, painful to watch.....
........So, where are your 'friends' now?. They have become the shadows of your misery. Now, laying in your bed, trying to get some sleep, but you can't 'cuz you don't have your antidote, your painkiller. Shell-shocked, staring at the ceiling, condemned, tied down to that prison you call a bed, begging for God to take you away.......ironic, isnt?. During your entire life you have done nothing but laughing to His face...now look who's having the last laugh......
~ alex.
........So, where are your 'friends' now?. They have become the shadows of your misery. Now, laying in your bed, trying to get some sleep, but you can't 'cuz you don't have your antidote, your painkiller. Shell-shocked, staring at the ceiling, condemned, tied down to that prison you call a bed, begging for God to take you away.......ironic, isnt?. During your entire life you have done nothing but laughing to His face...now look who's having the last laugh......
~ alex.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Late for your own funeral
Counting scars instead of stars, faking happiness while sharping your knife. Alive on the outside but dead inside, but what you dont realize is that blood wont satisfy your 'thirst' for freedom.
With tears ruunning down your face, throwing away your chances to be free. Walking away, leaving me with all these words unsaid. you're trying to reach something that's been always right next to you....FREEDOM. But you have to let go of the past before it's too late, and start taking steps in the right direction. You are trying to reach your knife when you should be trying to reach for LIFE!. You obviously wont listen,this is the life you have chosen.........
...............so hurry up &...WAIT!.... you're going to be late for your own funeral.
~alex.
With tears ruunning down your face, throwing away your chances to be free. Walking away, leaving me with all these words unsaid. you're trying to reach something that's been always right next to you....FREEDOM. But you have to let go of the past before it's too late, and start taking steps in the right direction. You are trying to reach your knife when you should be trying to reach for LIFE!. You obviously wont listen,this is the life you have chosen.........
...............so hurry up &...WAIT!.... you're going to be late for your own funeral.
~alex.
Heartbreak (live through it)
Breaking the awkward silence between us, because all I can hear are the echoes of all of our dreams, they have become nightmares that keep me awake at night.
In the abscense of sanity, this healing process seems eternal, while disenchantment grows stronger, it doesnt matter how much time passes; not even days,weeks,months,years nor decades will be enough to heal this broken, stubborn heart that's still 'out there' waiting for you......so out in the open yet so overlooked. But I guess this is what a heartbreak feels like. As an unbridled outburst of uncontrollable emotions, like the saddest, most dramatic scene of all times.....the best way to represent the end of my innocense. I can not say I didnt saw this coming....but sometimes DENIAL could be your worst enemy...........
~ alex.
In the abscense of sanity, this healing process seems eternal, while disenchantment grows stronger, it doesnt matter how much time passes; not even days,weeks,months,years nor decades will be enough to heal this broken, stubborn heart that's still 'out there' waiting for you......so out in the open yet so overlooked. But I guess this is what a heartbreak feels like. As an unbridled outburst of uncontrollable emotions, like the saddest, most dramatic scene of all times.....the best way to represent the end of my innocense. I can not say I didnt saw this coming....but sometimes DENIAL could be your worst enemy...........
~ alex.
The Glam Syndrome
In a world where words and feelings are meaningless, where not being flawless could be your biggest fashion mistake, and those who are considered as 'likeable people' are just 'glamour models', working in the 'hunger business'.
For some reason, this is the world where I live in. But I dont live by 'their' rules even when the rest of the world doesnt agree with me. They live their lives by starving themselves to death, humilliating others, up-lifting their egos...and call it a day. I've tried to emulate them, but I just cant see myself represented on them. It was just absurd......but thats just the 'human condition'.
To me, it's a matter of personal preference, 'where would you rather be?'....I really dont know,but, for safety reasons,I rather stay away bfrom that 'egocentric, hyped-up,fake' -so called 'human beings'- and just sit back, laughing at their fakeness, 'cuz at the end of the road, getting 'infected' with the 'glam syndrome', it's like playing hide-and-seek with death.....it's a game you will never win. Not only it's absurd....IT'S SUICIDAL!!!!!!!
Surprisingly, I have found a few people that agree with me; people with brains and feelings.....and that just says it all.......................
.......................'cuz, really, being 'cold-hearted'?............that's something you can do when you're dead.
~ alex.
For some reason, this is the world where I live in. But I dont live by 'their' rules even when the rest of the world doesnt agree with me. They live their lives by starving themselves to death, humilliating others, up-lifting their egos...and call it a day. I've tried to emulate them, but I just cant see myself represented on them. It was just absurd......but thats just the 'human condition'.
To me, it's a matter of personal preference, 'where would you rather be?'....I really dont know,but, for safety reasons,I rather stay away bfrom that 'egocentric, hyped-up,fake' -so called 'human beings'- and just sit back, laughing at their fakeness, 'cuz at the end of the road, getting 'infected' with the 'glam syndrome', it's like playing hide-and-seek with death.....it's a game you will never win. Not only it's absurd....IT'S SUICIDAL!!!!!!!
Surprisingly, I have found a few people that agree with me; people with brains and feelings.....and that just says it all.......................
.......................'cuz, really, being 'cold-hearted'?............that's something you can do when you're dead.
~ alex.
The Awakening
As I open my eyes, I found myself among all this chaos caused by twisted, and suicidal thoughts (and attempts).......I hear a voice, one that I never heared before, it's calling my name, but I dont know where does it come from?. This is a strong, thunderous, yet loving voice, and the words are holy.....why I feel this way all of the sudden?. Why I have to keep listening to this voice that says, "stay, it's not worth it", why?. When all that I want it's to dissapear, to escape from this world.
- "I must be having an extremely over active imagination", I thought. But I'm still listening to this voice and it sounds so peaceful, so lovely, and all of those thoughts of pain and suicide start to fade away. I start feeling something that I've never felt before......hope, faith, and freedom.
So this is it.......My Awakening, I have found my savior, and I'm not planning on going back to that dark place again. I'm staying here, 'cuz it's not worth moving. I'm in the right place. So I have learned, from my painful crisis, to count my blessings. This is my confession. And the price I pay for breaking the silence is my salvation. So, I say 'so long' to my old self, to that self-indulgent behaviour and thoughts 'cuz I have no fear anymore. That fear was my prisoner, in that tomb of loneliness, hate, and despair. This is the new 'me', with brand new eyes.....
*note: this is not something to 'preach' about, it is actually my life, whether you believe it or not, I just wanted to share it with the people I love the most(and those who really need to read this before it's too late). It doesnt matter who you are, or what(or who) you believe in; trust me, life it's not a fairytale, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, so dont give up, it's not worth it.......
~ alex.
- "I must be having an extremely over active imagination", I thought. But I'm still listening to this voice and it sounds so peaceful, so lovely, and all of those thoughts of pain and suicide start to fade away. I start feeling something that I've never felt before......hope, faith, and freedom.
So this is it.......My Awakening, I have found my savior, and I'm not planning on going back to that dark place again. I'm staying here, 'cuz it's not worth moving. I'm in the right place. So I have learned, from my painful crisis, to count my blessings. This is my confession. And the price I pay for breaking the silence is my salvation. So, I say 'so long' to my old self, to that self-indulgent behaviour and thoughts 'cuz I have no fear anymore. That fear was my prisoner, in that tomb of loneliness, hate, and despair. This is the new 'me', with brand new eyes.....
*note: this is not something to 'preach' about, it is actually my life, whether you believe it or not, I just wanted to share it with the people I love the most(and those who really need to read this before it's too late). It doesnt matter who you are, or what(or who) you believe in; trust me, life it's not a fairytale, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, so dont give up, it's not worth it.......
~ alex.
The Blood Violin Symphony
With blood in my hands, stabbing the pain and suffering in my life,begging for someone to suck out this venom thats torturing me.Severely scarred and bruised, drawing a perfect suicide design. making good my escape.....and down I go, from something to nothing, from life to death, broken down in a million pieces. This is the price I have to pay for trusting on empty words. All of those words had become the tomb to every hope I had. But Im still searching for an exit line.....
........waiting for a chance to explain myself. But words cant explain how I feel, its a weird feeling of emptiness....hopeless and helpless......yeah, thats exactly how it feels to be me, I have lost myself, drowning in my pain, where no one can hear me cry, no one can hear me scream. So afraid of being alone, so afraid of myself, cuz I know what Im capable of when I feel like theres no escape. In those moments when I loose my faith, and no pain can aompare to this, cuz its literally like someone ripped and tear your heart apart. Thats exactly how it feels. A deep wound caused by all those words unsaid....but its too late for that now....this is it, all that remains,physical wounds that are deeper than the wounds in my heart.
But just by playing this symphony all the pain seems to dissapear. And now whats left?. Red stains on white sheets, dry tears on my face......and the Blood Violin Symphony keeps on playing, and I'm getting obsessed with it's melancholic, yet deep sound. Sounds sharp and hurtful. But, who will clean all of this mess?. Blood dripping all over and a broken heart. And this melody makes me feel numb, and I fell in a deep sleep, but, will I ever be awake again?.............
........waiting for a chance to explain myself. But words cant explain how I feel, its a weird feeling of emptiness....hopeless and helpless......yeah, thats exactly how it feels to be me, I have lost myself, drowning in my pain, where no one can hear me cry, no one can hear me scream. So afraid of being alone, so afraid of myself, cuz I know what Im capable of when I feel like theres no escape. In those moments when I loose my faith, and no pain can aompare to this, cuz its literally like someone ripped and tear your heart apart. Thats exactly how it feels. A deep wound caused by all those words unsaid....but its too late for that now....this is it, all that remains,physical wounds that are deeper than the wounds in my heart.
But just by playing this symphony all the pain seems to dissapear. And now whats left?. Red stains on white sheets, dry tears on my face......and the Blood Violin Symphony keeps on playing, and I'm getting obsessed with it's melancholic, yet deep sound. Sounds sharp and hurtful. But, who will clean all of this mess?. Blood dripping all over and a broken heart. And this melody makes me feel numb, and I fell in a deep sleep, but, will I ever be awake again?.............
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)